Chapter Seventy: You Who Vanished

After leaving the police station, I saved Zhuang’s number and made plans to go out for drinks and singing when we had time.

I took a taxi back to the neighborhood I knew so well. At that moment, watching the hurried passersby on the road and the elderly women selling vegetables by the curb, even they felt warm and familiar to me. Alone in a foreign place, perhaps one only truly remembers the blessing of home after having known fear, panic, loneliness, and desolation.

As I climbed the second-floor corridor, Sister Ke’s door was still locked tight. I stood before it for a long while, and the shame in my heart grew beyond measure. Even though the upheaval at the Far Shore Bar had not begun because of me, I still could not escape responsibility. Every time I thought of Sister Ke smiling at me and saying, “It’s the labor of my life. I have to take a gamble,” my heart felt as though it had been pierced by a sharp blade, the pain so intense I could hardly breathe.

Slowly, I lowered the hand I had raised to knock and went straight to my own room. I opened the door and stepped inside.

As the light from within spilled through the crack and touched me, I stared foolishly at everything in the room: the wide wooden bed, the finely carved rectangular wardrobe, and the many pieces of furniture I had chosen with Luo Qing not long ago. They stood so quietly in place now that it seemed my memory had been yanked back, all at once, to the days when she had stayed by my side.

Walking into the room, I could still almost catch the faint scent of Luo Qing lingering in the air. Sitting down on the soft, comfortable bed, I picked up the plush bear that had once been her favorite from the bedside and gently stroked its bright, lovely eyes.

“Do you like me?”

“Of course!”

I toyed with the bear, answering myself in Luo Qing’s voice. Though it was nothing but self-deception, I kept asking and answering with great relish, as though the little bear had truly turned into her.

After playing for a while, I sighed and set the bear back on the bedside table, then walked to the wooden desk and sat down. A thin layer of dust covered the surface, as if someone had recently been here to clean it on purpose. Yet I stared blankly at the dust on my fingertips, and a thought flashed through my mind at once: Luo Qing had only just been here.

I seemed to be back in that night again, hearing her say to me, “This time, you are not allowed to break your promise again!”

I... I had gone home as promised... but where were you?

“Miss Luo...” I lay on the desk, looking at the lonely lamp before me, and whispered to myself, “I miss you...”

I pulled open the drawer and found a pack of women’s cigarettes that Luo Qing often smoked. Seeing it made my thoughts surge in all directions. Was this left here for me?

“You’re allowed only one pack a day from now on!” Luo Qing’s voice seemed to ring by my ear, clear and yet sorrowful.

Then I remembered the bet I had once made with her.

“You little brat, you’re tempting me, aren’t you?” I thought of that and the corners of my mouth twitched, but I could not smile. “If you want to win, just tell me... I... I...”

A sudden sting rose in the corners of my eyes. I hurriedly wiped them away, then took out the cigarettes, only to find the pack had already been opened and one was missing. I instinctively searched the room for an ashtray, and there I found a pile of cigarette butts in all kinds of shapes.

Had she smoked them in the days before she left?

I stared silently at the delicate ashtray, at those butts that had long since burned out without my knowing when, and an inexplicable ache flooded my chest.

I took out a cigarette and lit it. In the hazy smoke, I seemed to see Luo Qing sitting beside me. She, too, lit one like I did, then smiled as she played with the adorable plush bear. She was still so beautiful, so noble; wisps of smoke swirled around her, making her seem ethereal and beyond the world. After playing with the bear for a while, she seemed to suddenly remember something, turned to look at me, her lovely eyes curving into two crescent moons, and smiled.

“Yang Chen, let’s go home!”

I instinctively reached out to touch her, but everywhere my hand passed there was only drifting smoke.

“Luo Qing... after I left, what exactly happened? And where are you now?”

I crushed out the cigarette and lay back on the bed, staring at the ceiling as I murmured to myself. Autumn sunlight poured through the window and fell over me, warm yet touched with a faint chill. My mind was blank. I lay there quietly on the bed Luo Qing had bought, in this season of longing, powerless to think, struggling in pain.

Before I knew it, I had fallen into a deep sleep.

In a haze, I came to a place filled on all sides with golden rice fields. The sky was blue, the sunlight abundant, and the clear chirping of birds rang out now and then from around me. Everything was harmonious and beautiful, like a fairy tale.

I walked alone through the fields. At each step, cool river water brushed the soles of my feet, very soothing. I wandered without purpose. In this world there seemed to be no sorrow, no worry, no pain or trouble; everything was so natural and lovely.

As I walked, I seemed to see a white-clad woman standing in the distance, smiling and waving at me. I could not make out her face, but I subconsciously moved toward her. Fifty steps, twenty steps... At last I came before her, and it was Luo Qing.

At that moment she was looking at me with a playful smile, yet she did not speak. I could no longer hold back the feelings in my heart and ran straight into her arms, clutching her with all the strength I had, terrified that she would leave me again.

“Do you know how much I miss you?” I held her tightly in my arms, and I could feel her nodding gently.

“Yang Chen, don’t leave me again, okay? I’m scared...” The voice was familiar, but it was not Luo Qing’s.

I froze, then gently pushed the woman in my arms away. To my astonishment, the person standing before me was not Luo Qing, but Zhang Jiaxin. Her eyes were full of tears, and she looked at me with wounded grievance.

“How... how is it you?” I looked around in panic, searching for Luo Qing’s figure, but in this endless sea of rice there was no one else at all besides the two of us.

When I turned back again, there was already no one before me, as though this world had once more been emptied until only I remained. I kept calling Luo Qing’s name, running back and forth to search, but found nothing.

Just as I was lost in despair, I saw that blurry white-clad figure again beyond the far rice fields. She was still smiling and waving to me. Joyfully, I ran toward her with all my strength, but this time, no matter how hard I tried, the distance between us kept widening, until she vanished from my sight.

“No!” I shouted and sat up abruptly, cold sweat already beading on my forehead.

So it had only been a dream... I let out a long breath and looked out the window. The sky had already darkened, and it seemed I had slept for a very long time. I quickly picked up my phone, hoping for a missed call or a text, but the moment I unlocked it, disappointment struck again.

Sitting on that luxurious bed, I looked at the time on my phone; it was already seven in the evening. Only then did I remember that I was supposed to meet Sister Shi for dinner tonight, so I switched on the light, got up, and tidied myself. I changed into something a little warmer before heading out.

There was nearly an hour left until my eight o’clock appointment with Sister Shi, and even walking from here to the main street would leave me plenty of time.

I strolled along the roadside, watching the traffic and the crowds pass by, and my mood improved considerably. Now and then I lifted my head to the starry sky, looking at the dazzling spread of the heavens, and I believed that fate could not be so cruel, that after the clamor and unrest had passed, I would not always be left alone.

Walking along the not-so-quiet road, everything around me seemed to carry fragments of memory—perhaps of her, perhaps of another. But for a lonely person like me at this moment, did it truly still matter whose memory it was? No matter which scene rose before me, sorrow and pain were always the same. I would bear them in silence, then grit my teeth and keep walking.

“Sir, would you like to buy a bouquet of flowers?”

I was suddenly pulled back to reality and stopped in surprise, lowering my head to look at the little girl standing before me with a large bunch of flowers in her arms.

At the sight of those bright blossoms, my heart tightened again. I frowned, shook my head, and was about to leave.

Unable to bear the girl’s disappointed expression, I turned my face away and tried to hurry off, but at the very moment I passed her, I stopped.

“Give me a rose...” I lowered my head silently, not knowing why I had suddenly made such a decision. A street for one, a road for one, a rose for one...

“Really?” The little girl turned back happily, smiling at me with all her heart, then asked me to pick one.

Looking at her bright smile, warmth rose in my own heart. No matter what kind of feelings one bears, no matter whether one is alone, should one not always live with the sun in one’s heart? And besides... even if it were Luo Qing, she would have done the same, wouldn’t she?

I took out some change and placed it in the girl’s hand. She carefully held the coins, hurriedly thanked me, and then skipped away in delight.

“Little one, wait...” I called her back softly.

Seeing her somewhat startled, somewhat puzzled eyes, I smiled, crouched down, and gently tucked the rose into her little braid, then said to her, “May beauty always stay by your side, and no matter what hardship you face, learn to be strong.”

The little girl looked at me quietly, smiled, and said, “Thank you, big brother. I know now!”

“Do your best,” I said, smiling as I patted her slight shoulder. “We’ll do it together.”

“Mm-hmm, let’s do our best together!”

I watched the flower-selling girl until she had gone beyond my sight, and only then did I continue toward the barbecue shop.

It was only a small stumble. What was there to panic over? I will hold fast to my conviction. I will believe in the memories you gave me. I will wait for you to come back... In this bustling world, I will keep waiting for you to appear once more in my life.