Chapter Eighteen: Moving Forward Is the Way Ahead

What should I do? Fei Qian quickly calculated in his mind.

In this era where birth and status were highly valued, once branded with certain labels, it was difficult to shake them off. Take Lü Bu, for example, renowned as the strongest warrior in the land, yet forever nicknamed the "triple-character family servant" by Zhang Fei’s sharp tongue—a nickname that clung to him until death.

Join Dong Zhuo’s army?

Fei Qian weighed it carefully and found it was hardly a good option.

But to refuse outright was also difficult; it might provoke anger and rash consequences—beheading could be swift and real.

Fei Qian clasped his hands in respect and said, “I have a question, and I humbly ask the Chief Clerk to enlighten me.”

“Why bestow you a position?” Li Ru replied. “Twenty years ago, your father showed me kindness. At that time, I vowed I would repay the debt. Unfortunately, your father passed prematurely—the will of heaven is often cruel beyond measure.”

After hearing Li Ru’s explanation, Fei Qian’s anxious heart was half eased. He had initially thought, by later standards, that such unexpected favor from the heavens was usually deceit or a trap. Now knowing it was a repayment of a debt of gratitude—even if he didn’t fully understand how his father had forged this bond—it was clear there was reason behind it.

“I thank you, Chief Clerk, for your great kindness. My father taught me to live with a clear conscience and not seek returns. Surely, if he were still alive, he would refuse. Please forgive my impudence, but I ask you to withdraw the appointment.” With that, Fei Qian bowed deeply to the ground.

Li Ru was silent for a moment, then allowed Fei Qian to rise. “Very well, so be it. Do you harbor any other wishes? Speak freely, lest my heart remain uneasy.” He meant, you may refuse office, but you must give me a way to repay this debt—I do not wish to owe favors indefinitely.

Fei Qian bowed again. “I am but a humble man. I only wish to travel and study in Jing and Xiang provinces. The head of the household already approved this just yesterday.” In that era, a desire to learn was rarely met with disdain; this was a sufficient excuse.

“Excellent.” Li Ru nodded. Since he refused official duty but sought scholarship, he would assist in that regard. Yet Li Ru did not explicitly say how; instead, he signaled that the conversation was over and Fei Qian could take his leave.

Fei Qian understood and bowed in farewell. Having taken two steps outward, he was suddenly called back by Li Ru.

Li Ru, curious about Fei Qian’s perspective as an outsider, inquired, “There are two paths ahead, both thorny and prone to confusion and difficulty. One is easier at first but harder later; the other harder at first but easier after. If you were to proceed, which would you choose?”

Fei Qian thought a moment and replied, “The road ahead is long; only by pressing forward with effort are all paths righteous.” A clear dilemma: choosing either route could be wrong, so he chose neither.

Li Ru nodded calmly, said nothing further, and dismissed Fei Qian.

From behind the screen, Jia Xu emerged. “So this is the son of the family that sheltered you on that snowy night twenty years ago?”

Li Ru looked up, lost in memory, and uttered “Hmm,” before recounting slowly, “Twenty years ago, just after the child’s hundredth day celebration, his father hosted neighbors. Seeing my father in distress…”

He shook his head, unwilling to continue, clearly this memory was painful.

Jia Xu acknowledged this and, noticing Li Ru’s sorrow, changed the subject. “Enough formalities between us two—it’s tiresome. By the way, you asked him to accept office, but he refused. Is it because he doesn’t trust us?”

Jia Xu was renowned for his keen perception. Reflecting on those he had served historically, many suffered defeat or death, yet he emerged unscathed, thanks to this extraordinary skill.

Though Fei Qian thought he hid his true feelings well, Jia Xu detected subtle cracks.

Li Ru neither confirmed nor denied. “Perhaps half and half. Our lord has humble origins, so distrust is natural. Yet, I recall his father was a scholar eager for knowledge; under such influence, his son’s wish to study is likely sincere. Nowadays, true scholars are rare…”

Li Ru considered the famous grand scholars. Although Wang Yun, the Minister over education, was the top authority, he wasn’t necessarily the most learned. The Xun and Chen families, both literary lineages, kept their teachings within their own families. As for the prominent independent scholars… perhaps one, though somewhat pedantic, could be called a gentleman with exceptional knowledge—he might be the one.

Watching Li Ru’s contemplation, Jia Xu said bluntly, “Most celebrated scholars now are Confucianists, but I am not so sure of their true wisdom. This young man seems intelligent. Why not take him as your disciple? Our secret arts are no less than theirs.”

Li Ru shook his head. “I have no mind to take disciples now; better to recommend him and ease my conscience. By the way, Wenhe, I have a favor to ask of you.”

Jia Xu was taken aback. “What favor do you mean?”

“Before coming to Luoyang, I sealed our family’s secret teachings in the cellar. Now I fear dampness might ruin them. Would you return first and help preserve them?”

Jia Xu listened seriously. “Don’t joke—sealed well, they won’t spoil so easily. Are you trying to send me away? Have you made up your mind?”

Li Ru nodded slightly and repeated Fei Qian’s words: “The road ahead is long; only by pressing forward with effort are all paths righteous. We must do our utmost; only then can we defy destiny!”

“Then you must not send me away! Such a fascinating matter—I cannot just watch from the sidelines.”

“If you stay and we both perish, the heritage is lost. Unless you have a better plan, speak it.”

“I could have others continue our legacy for us… for example… um…” Jia Xu counted on his fingers, but could not find the words. Esoteric teachings are less widespread than public knowledge.

“Death is small; losing the lineage is great. We each have our roles. Let us fight against heaven’s will!” Li Ru suddenly seemed to cast off all burdens, patting Jia Xu on the shoulder with a bright smile. “Wenhe, no time to delay; you should depart now. I won’t see you off, but if all goes well, we shall meet again soon.”

“Brother, no matter what, prepare a fallback plan. Your books are many—I alone cannot carry them. If a volume or two is lost, don’t blame me. Also—don’t leave me without meat to eat; your household’s meat is especially delicious. I can’t stomach others’ meat…”

“All right, I know,” Li Ru waved dismissively and walked toward the back hall, clearly not intending to accompany Jia Xu further.

Jia Xu stood silently for a moment, bowed to Li Ru’s departing figure, then resolutely turned and left.

Behind the rear hall window, Li Ru solemnly bowed to Jia Xu’s departing form, then slowly straightened up.